Struggling With Drugs?

"There is a danger in drugs today that did not exist — or was so miniscule it went unnoticed — when I was in my 20s called Fentanyl."

My son Zach didn't set out to take fentanyl. He relapsed after months of sobriety and took what he thought he was taking. What he actually took had fentanyl in it. He was one of roughly six people who died in the Rockford, Illinois area that same week from fentanyl-contaminated drugs.

That was 2008. It's gotten worse since then.

What fentanyl actually is

Fentanyl is a synthetic opioid — meaning it's made in a lab, not derived from a plant. It was developed for severe pain management, typically for cancer patients or post-surgical situations. It's estimated to be around 100 times more potent than morphine. That number matters. A lethal dose of fentanyl can be smaller than a few grains of salt. You can't see it. You can't smell it. And if someone uses a substance that's been contaminated with even a trace amount, the margin between "feeling something" and dying can vanish in minutes.

The counterfeit pill problem

This is what most people aren't talking about clearly enough. Pills that look exactly like prescription medications — Xanax, Percocet, Adderall — are being manufactured illegally and laced with fentanyl. They look real. They feel real. They have the right colors and markings. People buy them thinking they're getting something they've taken before. They're not!

There's no quality control or consistency. One pill in a batch might have almost nothing. The next one might be a lethal dose. Nobody who takes one of these knows what they're actually getting.

This isn't just a "hard drug user" problem anymore. It's a teenager at a party problem. It's a college student who takes something to get through finals. It's someone who's dealt with anxiety for years and bought one pill from someone they trusted. The profile of who's dying from this has changed, and the numbers keep climbing.

If you're using anything right now — or thinking about it — that's why this matters. Not to scare you. To be straight with you. Because the rest of what's on this page is about what's actually going on inside — and that part matters too.

So if you're still here, keep reading.

Since you’re still here, there’s a good chance something isn’t sitting right.

Maybe it hasn’t completely fallen apart. Maybe it has. Either way, you know more than you’re saying out loud. At some point, it probably didn’t look like a problem. It helped. Took the edge off. Gave you a break from whatever was going on in your head or your life.

That part is real. But somewhere along the way, it started to shift.

It’s not just something you do anymore. It’s something you think about. Plan around. Justify. Hide. Come back to—even when you told yourself you wouldn’t. There’s usually a moment—or a few of them—where you notice it.

Maybe it’s after a night you didn’t plan on going that far. Maybe it’s something you said or did that didn’t feel like you. Maybe it’s waking up and realizing you’re right back where you said you wouldn’t be again.

And then comes the back and forth.

“I’m fine.”
“This isn’t that bad.”
“I can stop if I need to.”

Followed by:

“Why did I do that again?”
“What am I doing?”
“I need to get this under control.”

That back and forth can go on longer than you expect. Because part of you still sees the benefit. And part of you is starting to feel the cost. That’s the part people don’t always talk about clearly.

It promises relief. Then it becomes something you rely on. Then something that starts to take more than it gives. It doesn’t usually feel like a straight line while you’re in it. It feels gradual. Manageable. Until it isn’t.

There's also a version of you that knows. Not all the time. But enough. The version that notices patterns, sees where this could go, and doesn't fully believe the excuses anymore. That voice can get quiet. But it doesn't disappear.

Shame usually shows up somewhere in this — after, the next day, in the quiet moments. It sounds like "I should have more control than this" or "this isn't who I want to be." And sometimes that shame doesn't push things in the right direction. Sometimes it just makes you want to escape again. That loop — use, regret, promise, repeat — can start to feel like it's just part of life now. Like you're managing it. Keeping it contained. Until something happens that makes it harder to ignore.

This isn't about labeling you or acting like everything is out of control. It's about being honest about what's actually happening. If something in this feels familiar, that matters. You don't have to have it all figured out right now or make some big declaration. But noticing it — really noticing it — is a different place than pretending it's not there. That's where things can start to shift. Not all at once. Not perfectly. But it starts with being real about it.

If something in here hit for you — even a little — I hope it helps you pause long enough to look at things a little more clearly. You don't have to figure everything out today. But you also don't have to keep doing this alone. There are people and places that understand this better than you might think.

• SAMHSA National Helpline
  1-800-662-HELP (4357)
  Free. Confidential. Available 24/7. They can connect you to treatment and support in your area.

• Narcotics Anonymous
  A place to talk with people who have been through it themselves. Meetings are available in person and online.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
  Call or text 988
  If things feel overwhelming or you’re in a dark place, you can talk to someone right away.

You don’t have to be at your worst to reach out.

Even just being here… and being honest about it… that’s a step. But if you need more take the next one!